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Promiscuity and pair bonding

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Promiscuity and pair bonding

Hi everyone,

I posted here for the first time last week, and I just wanted to thank everyone who commented for their insightful and constructive advice. I loved how honest you ladies were with me.

Anyway, I was prompted to write this post after watching Lauren Southern's "What Every Girl Needs to Hear" video (go watch it if you haven't already). She discusses how promiscuity has a detrimental effect on a woman's ability to pair bond with a partner.

To all of my fellow college RPW out there, please, don't let anyone convince you that you're missing out by not riding the CC. Maybe you're like one of my best friends, who has been in a committed relationship with a great guy for a few years, but you see your friends going out and meeting new guys every weekend and wonder if you should be doing that too, because that's what modern society dictates college-age women should be doing. It bothered her so much that she considered asking her boyfriend to open up the relationship, even though they've talked about marriage. That's how brainwashed our generation has become.

As someone whose n-count is in the 20s, I told her, point blank: it's not worth it.

I mentioned in my last post that I have bipolar, and that I am hypersexual when I'm manic. This resulted in my count going from 1 to 20+ in a matter of 6 months. All of these were hookups.

9 times out of 10, guys who want to hook up with you DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL.

You're just a plate to them, no matter how nice they seem to be. That's the best case scenario. There are also men out there who can seriously hurt you. I was raped by one last year. That just goes to show the kind of people you can come across when you venture into the world of meaningless sex. They have no regard for your feelings, or, in some cases, your personal safety.

Given my high n-count, I feel that sex isn't as special to me anymore. I have to actively try to feel the connection with my partner, when previously it came naturally and effortlessly. I can still feel it, but it doesn't feel as strong as it did before.

Also, I can't help comparing my current partner to all of the partners I've had in the past. It keeps me from truly enjoying everything he has to offer.

Don't sabotage your ability to pair bond just so you can fit in with your blue pill friends. Sex is very important to men (and women, too). For most men, it's how they feel most connected with their partner. Like men, I also primarily prefer giving and receiving love through physical intimacy, and now I feel like my ability to receive has been compromised. Trust me, you don't want to be in my shoes.

I know it's highly unlikely for a woman in this day and age to save herself until marriage or have a count of 1 unless it is in the context of a religious upbringing, but at least try to limit your sexual encounters to men you are in committed relationships with. It's not just because of retaining your ability to pair bond, or keeping your RMV high, but simply put, sex is better with someone you love and who loves you.

My fellow young RPW, don't sell yourself short.

116 comments
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level 1
· 4y

It bothers me more than I should let it when most of the subs on this site push the idea of fucking every stranger you meet to make sure when you find "the one", you will be "sexual compatible".

77
level 2
· 4y · edited 4y

I completely agree. It's ridiculous.

You're not going to find The One™ by riding the CC, sorry to say. Neither do you need to test your sexual compatibility with people you wouldn't seriously consider for a relationship. That doesn't even make sense.

Sleeping around indiscriminately is neither "liberating" nor "sex positive," contrary to what blue pillers say.

49
level 2
· 4y

Seriously ... it makes me angry just thinking about it. The sad realty is that it's not just coming from peers, but from some parents even! I handled a divorce case where the mom was on websites (still married, mind you) where she would find men who would pay her money to go on a date with him with an option to pay more to guarantee the date included "time at a private residence" - as if we don't all know what's really being paid for.

The sick thing, though, was not that the mom was doing this or even modeling this behavior in front of her daughter or exposing her daughter to dozens of strange internet men with no vetting (usually 2-4 per weekend), but that she was actually bragging about it to her 13 year old daughter suggesting that it was a great way to earn money and figure out sexual compatibility with a man at the same time. I can only imagine where that daughter is going to end up 5 years from now.

26
level 2
· 4y

to make sure when you find "the one", you will be "sexual compatible".

One of the greatest lies/deceptions of our time.

And one which has greatly diminished future happiness and/or caused untold damage to many women who bought or buy into it.

13
level 2
· 4y

omg...agree so much. this really bothers me.

3
level 1
· 4y · edited 4y

My viewpoint is very different.

While TRP warns of a high N, I think the true story is that men just don't like promiscuous women, specifically women who have a higher n than themselves, purely out of insecurity.

Someone on TRP read 1 study and inaccurately tied promiscuity to divorce. Sure, there's a correlation obviously, but there's no data to say that n-count is the specific cause. What's more likely is that people who are promiscuous have personality traits that would lead to an inevitable divorce anyway, like a lack of vetting.

I mean, we don't fall in love from sex itself anyway. We fall in love from the intimacy that happens around the sex. It's the non-sex things that make us "bond" in the first place. It's why you can have a ONS, leave at 6am, and perhaps you'll feel dirty/guilt, but you're also perfectly capable of falling in love with the next guy.

What CAN happen is that with rejection and pain, people block themselves off to "bonding" to avoid being hurt. They become hardened, jaded, and actually refuse normal "couple" behavior to protect themselves. This isn't even specific to sexual relationships and it's definitely not specific to women, I'm sure you've witnessed it in social relationships too.

So to OP, while I sympathize with your personal attitude towards sex as being "not special" anymore, it's completely anecdotal and even self-inflicted. It's a feeling that you have the ability (and responsibility) to change. It's your mind that has devalued sex.

I'm not saying this to prescribe the CC, merely to be a little more honest about female sexual nature and TRP's agenda.

34
level 2
· 4y
I'll Drink to That

I think the true story is that men just don't like promiscuous women, specifically women who have a higher n than themselves, purely out of insecurity.

Say what you like. Reality is that men care about this from a RMV standpoint. The more sexual partners you had, the lower your RMV is to men.

This is true for quality men. Sure, a man who feels like he can't get anyone, will marry the first woman who says yes. But to a quality man who has options, we'd rather marry a virgin. Look into history and you'll find culture after culture, religion after religion, geographic area after geographic area who all placed a premium on female virginity.

You think it's insecurity? That's fine, but that won't change human nature. The reason why men have this preference is because it's embedded within male nature. Some have tried to explain why male nature is like this, some have offered good explanations, but one thing is for sure - this is nature.

I know it's difficult to accept that your value is lowered just because you had more sexual partners, no one wants to think of themselves as damaged goods. However, this still doesn't change the nature of men and what men find attractive or repulsive. Having had many sexual partners is something that will make you repulsive to most men. It's uncomfortable, but TRP and RPW is about accepting the truth about human nature even when it's uncomfortable.

29
level 2
· 4y

While TRP warns of a high N, I think the true story is that men just don't like promiscuous women, specifically women who have a higher n than themselves, purely out of insecurity.

Wasn't there a study that ended up showing that women who have a partner count higher than 1 have a harder time maintaining long term relationships? With women who have had 2 partners having an equally difficult chance of maintaining a LTR as men who had slept with 19 women?

We're not talking about marriage here, nor about men avoiding women because of their count, but about simply people with X previous sexual partners having a harder time keeping a LTR.

9
level 2
· 4y · edited 4y

It's your mind that has devalued sex.

A lot of things are "just in your mind". It doesn't make it any different. I was going through serious withdraw after I stopped smoking, and a friend said the same thing ("it's just in your mind"), which is not at all helpful and is obvious.

Also, men not liking promiscuous women simply due to insecurity is a lie. Are you a male? I am. Most men have a deeply instinctual and gut level revulsion at the thought of committing to a woman that was clearly overly promiscuous. I can think of it right now and have the same reaction. I've always had it. It is almost the feeling of imagining taking a hamburger out of the garbage and taking a bite. Many, many men are like this. We actually talk about it online and IRL.

17
level 2
Comment deleted by user · 4y
level 2
· 4y

I like hearing different perspectives.

Yeah, I think insecurity is definitely part of it.

I haven't looked at the study myself, so I will take it with a grain of salt.

Sure, sex can be just sex, but you can't say that bonding can't happen through it, that it's only about the non-sex stuff.

Yes, I think being jaded can definitely be a result of a high n-count. That could be part of my problem, too.

Well, of course it's self-inflicted. I wouldn't feel this way had I not slept with so many people. I said in my post that I do try to actively feel the connection with my partner; it just doesn't come as easily as it used to, which is disheartening.

If you have any advice for how I can go about ameliorating this, I'd love to hear it.

3
level 2
· 4y

Absolutely this.

2
level 2
· 4y

Are you or have you ever been married or in an LTR? Your viewpoint is not really relevant otherwise. In fact, you would just be a case study in what is being described here.

1
level 2
· 4y

Yes. Thank you. As a girl who luckily found a man who isn't intimidated by a high n count or the CC concept... I agree more with this viewpoint rather than OP's and feel that if one takes away the fear to scare away a potential partner, it can lead to a healthier way to perceive our own nature.

I must admit that once I found myself devaluing sex quite a lot, but it can be reverted by knowing oneself and watching our behaviours toward sex. Of course if you have sex to search for unhealthy approval or whatever the situation is, it will lead to ugly consequences. But otherwise sex can be a fun experience with or without the attachment and have no negative consequences whatsoever (as long as the obvious protection and safe environment takes place)

Alos, yes, imo, love does make sex better... so my n count is lower because my partner gives me that. And that love I have for him grows thanks to the healthy space to explore myself as a human he is able to give and even celebrate (as do I, I like to believe) and not the somewhat fabricated sense of sex is special because there is a lack of it.

TL;DR: imo, love may bring a lower n count, but not (necessarily) the other way around (I personally find it kind of incomplete and maybe harmful) This is, as long as one takes responsibility of the own emotions and behaviour towards the matter.

1
level 1
Comment deleted by user · 4y
level 2
· 4y

Anytime! I am still a bit embarrassed to be talking so candidly about my past, but if it can help a woman on here to realize that sleeping around can be detrimental to her happiness, I am more than happy to divulge.

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Created Jun 10, 2013