Chapter 4: Visual Appearance

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How your future wife looks is one of the first things you have to consider. This is who you’ll be waking up to for the rest of your life. If you have a specific preference—for example, a certain body, skin shade, hair type—it’s important not to settle for anything less. If you do settle, you may regret it. This isn’t good for either one of you.

Imagine yourself in the shoes of your future wife. How do you think she feels knowing she was second instead of the first choice? How would you like it if she compared you to some hollywood actor or implied that she wished you looked “better”? You see the problem with settling?

On the other hand, you shouldn’t lock yourself down to a specific type either. A man might say, “I will not marry unless my wife looks exactly like this.” What if that model you’re after isn’t available? What if God has found someone who doesn’t quite fit your specific category. What if the woman you’re after, while exceptionally beautiful, is godless, immature and fails in other important areas of life? Are you just going to wait until that godly “model” comes along? Or are you going to just marry that ungodly beauty at the expense of your soul?

If visual appearance is so important to you that you’re willing to wait until that perfect model comes along, you need to ask yourself, “Why is appearance so important to me?”

Certainly appearance shouldn’t be more important than personality, lifestyle, life goals and above all else, moral character.

That perfect model may come along, but then the birth of children may change her shape, and at some point, she will grow old, or (God forbid), something bad may happen that scares her face and body. What are you going to do then?

What I’m saying is: appearance will change, don’t make appearance so important that you overlook a godly woman. God gives us wisdom on this:

The LORD doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. (1 Sam 16:7b NLT)

I’m not saying you discard your preferences altogether, but as a man of God, you should be more concerned with the inner character of the woman, more than her outward appearance.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. (Proverbs 31:30 NLT)

Do you want a video vixen, actress, swimsuit model, or a woman who fears the Lord? That’s something to think about.

Media Perception

Alot of what we perceive as beautiful is controlled by the media. The media creates a template and the more a woman fits that template, the more she’s regarded as desirable. The less a woman fits that template, the less desirable.

To give you an example: in most Miss America pageants, all the women look similar. The media is saying that this face, hair and body type is most desirable—this is what’s attractive. The problem with this message is it narrows beauty to a small segment and excludes the rest.

You, as a man of God, must be able to see beauty in many forms and not just through the narrow eyes of the media. I’m not saying what the media portrays is not beautiful, it’s just only one kind of beauty. The media is telling you that the only fruit are apples, when in fact there are grapes, oranges, melons and other delicious fruit you’re missing out on.

What you have to do is consider if the ideal appearance of your future wife in your mind is from the media or from your own preferences. If it’s from the media, you may be limiting yourself. Every man has a preference but just don’t let it be given to you by the media. If you’ve been accepting what the media has been saying, I encourage you to connect with the Lord and really ask him to see women the way he sees them. The revelation I never forgot is that God made all women attractive. All women are beautiful by default.

What I’m not saying is that the projection of beauty in the media are false — they aren’t. And if these types of women happen to be your preference, then so be it. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Also know that God is not going to lead you to marry a woman you aren’t attracted too. God is a good God, he knows what you like. Your wife may not fit what mainstream media says is attractive, but you’ll be attracted to her and that’s all that matters. If you’re looking to marry a woman for society’s applause, then you’re a pleaser of men; and that’s a whole other problem you need to overcome.

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