Now it’s time to discuss the future and the past. We can start with future aspirations. This is where you both discuss what you envision your lives to look like in the future. You’re basically comparing notes and trying to see if there are similarities. Some important questions to ask are:
- What’s God’s purpose for your life and where do you see that taking you?
- Where do you envision yourself living?
- Do you want children and if so, how many?
- Will they be home schooled or public-schooled?
- Where do you see your career in the future?
- When the parents get older, will they be moving in with us or elsewhere?
You and your future wife have desires and goals you have yet to pursue. You both need to find out what these are and determine if you both support and understand each other’s goals.
A woman that decides she always wanted to be a traveling singer may conflict with your view of the wife being at home raising the children. You may be a traveler and she may not like traveling, these are things you have to discuss. The more similarities the better.
This is a sensitive area one of which I wouldn’t dig into until you gotten closer to the woman you’re pursuing, perhaps in the latter stages of the courting phase, which is why this is listed last. The past has a great deal of effect on the present condition of the person and could predict what the future may look like if the person isn’t actively looking to change what effects their past has on them. How you were raised, good and bad experiences all need to be discussed. Some of these will come up early as you get to know people, some things will remain hidden until you really ask.
Some things are hidden because she’s ashamed to mention them. Some things are hidden because she forgot. Some things are hidden because the woman fears she’d lose you if you knew the truth.
In marriage, everything should be open, there are no secrets. I’m not saying that the first time you both meet you should be exposing every dark region of your past and upbringing, but there should be a progressive expose of each other’s past as you move closer and closer towards marriage. When a woman begins to be elusive about her past and seemingly dishonest it’s a cause for concern. Secrets and lies has no place in a marriage.
I knew of a woman who hid the fact that she was previously married and that her former husband was still alive. The man she was engaged to was only notified of this shortly prior to them signing the documents to make their marriage official. While she told the truth eventually, it was revealed that she knew that remarriage was adultery in the eyes of God, but she wanted to get remarried anyway.
Some things can be avoided if you simply ask questions in advance. The following are a few:
- Were you previously married?
- Do you have any crazy ex-boyfriends?
- Do you have any children that don’t currently live with you?
- Have you ever lost a child (miscarriage, abortion, adoption)?
- Have you ever been molested, raped or abused in any way?
- Have you ever had any abusive parents and or family members?
- Have you ever been admitted to a psych ward?
- Have you ever been imprisoned for a crime?
- Have you ever done drugs?
- How many sexual partners have you had?
- Have you ever contracted any sexually transmitted diseases?
- Have you ever been a stripper, done pornography, or took sensual pictures?
- Have you ever had occult connections, participated in witchcraft, potions, spells etc; or been a victim of witchcraft?
Be prepared to answer these same questions about yourself as well. Once again, this is not something you ask on the first date. And if you’re uncomfortable asking these questions just know that the more you spend time together, the easier these questions will be to ask and get answers for.
Truth be told, in every encounter with women I was seeing, they voluntarily gave up this information without me even asking them. It was weird, but it’s kind of how many women are. They’ll tell you all about themselves. All you have to do is keep your ears open. They do this because they may trust you. In exchange, and you already know better, you must not take advantage of that trust and tell everyone else their business — love doesn’t do that.
So what do you do with this information? Some of it may be quite disturbing. The purpose of knowing this is to understand what kind of person you’re marrying—where they’ve been and where they’re going.
One of the main reasons people lie about their past is because they believe people won’t love them if they knew the truth. This simply isn’t true. While many people do make judgements based on a person’s past, others won’t, and can be very understanding. The goal of dealing with negative past experiences is seeing whether or not healing took place, or if it’s currently in progress. It’s unrighteous to condemn them because we all have past mistakes and misfortunes, but it’s just how we deal with it that’s important.
I don’t want to sound like a therapist and I don’t want you sounding like one either when you’re courting your potential wife, so let God’s Spirit guide you in the sensitive matters.
So that’s all I have to say. I know this information will bless and prepare many couples for a successful marriage. I would like to add that the Holy Spirit is your help and guide throughout this process. Some things won’t apply to you and every circumstance is different. Don’t take these writings as a law, but follow the Holy Spirit.
If you know the account of Hosea, God told him to marry a whore. If he’d read my book he’d probably be like, “Oh no, this isn’t the will of God,” but it was the will of God for him. Your situation will be different. Be led by the Holy Spirit and you’ll be successful.
This wisdom was brought to by Nealreal through the Holy Spirit who loves your soul. May God bless you and prosper you in your marriage.