Personality is the combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individual’s uniqueness. Personality is a little different from character. Character is about the morality of a person—how they think of themselves and how they treat others either for the good or bad. Personality is just how a person is. There is no sin involved in it, no right or wrong to it, it’s just their uniqueness. This must be considered because personality doesn’t usually change. It’s who God made them to be and it serves a purpose in the activities of society and his kingdom.
If you’ve been to college or follow psychology, you’ve come across what they call the introvert and extrovert. These are polar opposites and I would say that everyone has different degrees of extroversion and introversion.
Extraverts tend to be people who require a lot of energy from other people. They can be very talkative and labeled as “outgoing” or a “people person.” These people love crowds, noise and attention from other people.
Introverts tend to be different. They’re more comfortable alone or with small groups. They tend to enjoy conversation that is meaningful, a good book, art and long periods alone to reflect and ponder. These are the writers, artists and programmers. Introverts aren’t antisocial they just don’t require as much human interaction as the extravert.
The introvert’s energy comes from within, whereas the extravert gets theirs from the outside. This is why introverts can feel tired in large crowds—they have enough internal energy as it is and the crowd is producing even more— it results in an overloaded feeling and a desire to get away from it all.
There’s a lot more to these personality types and I encourage you to take a test to see which one you fit the most. You can find these tests online for free. These tests can help you to learn more about yourself and what personality you might be more comfortable with.
Sometimes introverts can’t get along with extroverts. Sometimes extroverts can’t get along with extroverts. It really boils down to understanding and respecting your mate’s personality. The two keywords are “understanding” and “respect.” If a person possess these two things, any differences in personality will still allow for a united healthy relationship.
The problems come in when you either don’t understand their personality type or you don’t respect their differences. This is where conflict comes because one spouse will attempt to change the other, and the other will feel pressured to act in a way they are not. Often times, introverts attempt to act like extroverts to fit in with the crowd, when it’s not their nature. They do this because the majority of Americans are extraverted.
Introversion is often looked at as something a person needs to overcome. We’ve all heard things like, “that person needs to come out of their shell.” People who say such things fail to recognize that introverts like their “shell” and there’s nothing wrong with them— they don’t need to become like extraverts in order to be “better” people.
Shyness is often associated with introverts when this is not often true. Shy people want to express themselves and engage that lively crowd, but have a fear about it. Introverts just don’t find the crowd or their conversation that interesting, perhaps even boring—they may not even want to be there—-which is why they stay quiet. This is a huge difference, but extraverts fail to understand and respect their counterpart’s differences.
This tendency to downgrade the other personality type comes from a lack of kindness and self-righteousness. In other words, the extrovert thinks they are right in themselves for being a certain way, because they are the majority, and because the introvert is the minority. This is the wrong attitude to have and not an expression of love. Love seeks to understand and sympathize with the differences of people and it surely respects those differences as we’ll learn later.
What I want to emphasize again is that personality doesn’t include sinful, immoral behavior—those are moral issues which I will talk about next. I say this because people attempt to include poor moral character into their personality to justify sinful behavior they don’t want to change; and because personality doesn’t change, they don’t have to repent of their sins.
On the other side, many people have been deceived into believing that their sinful behavior is just part of who they are. While we’ve been born with a natural tendency to choose sin, God has enabled us to crucify the flesh and disallow sin to reign in our mortal bodies through the power of his Spirit (Romans 6:11-14).
So, going forward in considering your future spouse, you need to be understanding and respectful of who they are and how God made them. If your personalities are polar opposites, but you understand one another’s differences and will not try to change one another, you’re off to a great start. If you prefer someone like yourself, there’s nothing wrong with this either — go with what works best for you.
Next chapter: Character & Integrity
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